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#149 : Can Flirting be Innocent?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010 @ 9:36 PM
Where do you draw the line between harmless flirting and inappropriate intimacy?
The birds do it, the bees do it. It seems all animals, humans included, are biologically wired to flirt. A smile or subconscious hair toss can be plain fun when you're happily single, but if you're in a relationship things can get blurry. The question is how do you draw the line between innocent flirting and an inappropriate come-on that can jeopardize your current relationship?
When flirting is good clean fun
The truth is, people flirt all the time in order to get help in social situations. Have you ever flirted with a mechanic in order to try to get a discount on getting your car fixed? What about the time you chatted up the waiter in order to get better service? Flirting is a social game we play in these kinds of situations and it's considered an "acceptable" form of flirting by most people.
There are benefits to innocent flirting, even if you're attached or married. Flirting can be a huge booster to your self-esteem. People like to hear how good they look and if they catch someone checking them out or smiling at them, it's a compliment.
When things get gray
Things get a bit more complicated when it comes to flirting with colleagues of the opposite sex. A UK research found that casual flirting in the office is rife, often with the motive to hand work over to someone else. Coined "functional flirting" by the researchers, the study found that nearly half (48 percent) of office workers admit to flirting to get their own way in the workplace. Twice as many women as men admit to flirting with their bosses, while men are more likely to focus their attentions on their junior colleagues. "As long as you keep your conversations and actions appropriate, office flirting is really no big deal because everybody does it and it makes my job simpler when others like me," says Jamie, 29, a PR consultant.
But some relationship experts warn that all kinds of workplace flirting (including functional flirting) has the potential to turn friendship into an emotional affair. These intimate relationships are usually not based on physical attraction or sex; rather they tend to be based on a strong emotional bond that persists without the complete knowledge and consent of your current spouse. "When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does. An emotional affair can be just as dangerous to a marriage and often a more complicated situation to remedy," explains marriage counselor Gary Neuman, author of Emotional Infidelity. And the crux of an emotional affair is that many times, these persons involved are totally unaware that they are being unfaithful, say experts.
Warning signs things are out of control
A little flirting with someone you meet on a regular basis (like a co-worker) can quickly get out of hand. A warning sign that your "friendship" has crossed the line is when your "friend" has become your go-to soulmate for sharing emotional intimacy (hopes, fears, dreams) instead of your spouse. Another tell-tale sign is a diminished relationship with your spouse, such as more fights over small issues, little or no sex, and the feeling that you don't have much in common anymore, warns Neuman. If you find yourself having to lie to your partner about how you relate to someone else, it's a big wake-up call that you need to reassess your relationahip with that person.
Always place your relationship in the first spot
Mastering your self-control to flirting boils down to how much you value your relationship and a respect for your partner's feelings, so don't forget what brought you and your partner together in the first place. "It's so easy," says Neuman, "to forget why we fell in love." It's important to constantly "feed" your love with lots of communication and together-time.
And however much fun (or benefit) you may have from flirting with other guys, nothing beats flirting with yours. "A lot of people stop flirting once they are in a relationship. Don't. The couple that plays together stays together," urges relationship expert Tracey Cox. When you retain that playful factor in your relationship, you'll keep it from getting stuck in a rut.
